Feeling heavy….

I’ve lost 5 llbs in the last 7 weeks all in an attempt to fit in my dress for a ¬†wedding next weekend, I tried it on today..and it doesn’t fit! Low and behold I look like a fat sausage struggling to stay inside its skin! Doh!

Thats another thing that I try to blame on the two miscarriages and one thing I was not expecting! Each time I got pregnant I put on 6 llbs, and that was 6 llbs that I could not shift! One of the reasons I couldn’t shift the weight is because I didn’t want to do anything that might mess around with my cycle and ability to conceive again. The last few weeks I have tried both calorie restricting and exercise. Feeling much better about myself although my acupuncturist said that I shouldn’t do exercises that involve jumping up and down….this does provide me with another excuse not to exercise but sod it..I’m going to stick it out for another couple of months…I am going to loose this weight. I desperately need something else to obsess about!

So I think the dress will have to stay in the wardrobe for next weekend but I will get there!

Cycle wise, my apps tell me that I am about to enter my fertile phase so lots of baby dancing (bd) starting this week…one thing that I can’t complain about!

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Af is here…..

So…here we go again. This month however I didn’t even dare get my hopes up…I’m not sure why! It didn’t stop me doing a pregnancy test the day before I was due. I was rewarded by a negative result and my period making a show later that evening!

Today I attended my third appointment of acupuncture and received a call from my GP to confirm my latest blood test results had come back all clear. In fact, I actually had high levels of Progesterone, so that was good…?! Was it? Not really, I’m still not pregnant and its still been 7 months since the last miscarriage.

Bit of background for you….

I really really wanted children before I was 30…a life ambition if you like. My hubby wasn’t quite so sure so we agreed to wait, leaving¬†a full year and a half before I turned 30…my arguments of…”what if it takes us a few years to conceive?” fell on deaf ears! In all honesty, I didn’t think it would take this long, I just wanted to get started sooner, I am impatient by nature (oh the irony!). I don’t have any grudges about when we started trying, don’t get me wrong. So the first time round where I still hadn’t conceived after 6 months I began to get anxious. Worried that something was wrong with me.

How relieved and ecstatic I was when I got that first Big Fat Positive, it was an amazing feeling! Two months down the line it was a different story. I had spotting at 6/7weeks which appeared to resolve itself and an early scan (private) revealed that the foetus was developing well. Three weeks later I had some more bleeding and a scan was scheduled only a few days before my allotted 12 week scan. The scan revealed that the foetus had died at 8 weeks, just after the first scan. The hospital couldn’t book me in for “surgical management of miscarriage” until the following week. Over the weekend, whilst building a pathway to distract myself (my husband and I were renovating) I had the miscarriage. I like to think that it will prepare me in some way for labour….it was very painful and I even had contractions! So I gave birth (for want of a better expression) in the toilet and got a bit scared by the bleeding, I still had some “retained product” so I still went through the procedure the following day.

Next one took 14 months to come along. I was overjoyed with the positive result but wouldn’t let myself accept it until I saw a healthy scan..something that closely resembled a baby would do…I’d had enough of small beating blobs! The second miscarriage wasn’t quite as painful as the first, same story…I had bleeding and then a precautionary scan which revealed a “healthy” pregnancy, news which brought tears of joy to mine and my other half’s face. A week later and a look of surprise on the sonographer’s face revealed that that one too had died around 8 weeks. I was scheduled in for the op the very next day.

So here I am now, 7 months on from that second miscarriage and twenty days away from what would have been my due date. Still not pregnant but still trying to stay positive. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Today started as a bad day..girl from my office is due the day after I was (I am one of only 5 women in my team two of whom got pregnant and were due this month…I know..right?). She was positively glowing this morning, its her last week and all I could think of was …”it was supposed to be my last week too”. I then had a vent to my hubby and felt better, its good to have people to talk to.

The acupuncturist was good this evening. I allowed myself to think only positive thoughts and pictured my belly full and round full of baby. I pictured holding my baby in my arms and passing it to my hubby. I didn’t leave the appointment sad but happy and hopeful. All I can keep telling myself is that I will get there some day. And I will, I will be a Mother.

Day one of my Blog

So far its been two and a half years. Two and a half years and two missed miscarriages. Of course there is that taboo, that thing that makes it mostly impossible to talk about. There must be so many others of us out there just plodding on, tracking those temperatures, taking those ovulation tests, doing the deed multiple times a month (probably the only highlight of this whole process) and getting those Big Fat Negatives each month.

So, I’ve decided to write a blog, an anonymous blog of course, in the hope that I can speak to others in the same boat, and maybe they would speak to me. There will be plenty of time for introductions and I apologise in advance for the rants that I will inevitably go on but I hope that this will help not only me (having a good vent) but others experiencing the same frustrations month after month!

So welcome to my blog….here I go then, the start of my blogging journey, thank you for joining me….