BFP (for now!)

Hi all, sorry for the radio silence! The best happened last month (so it turned out not thinking about it helped). I have my BFP and am now 7 weeks +3 days. So far so good, touch wood.

Symptoms wise I’ve not had a lot which is causing me concern as this is not much different to what happened the last times! If I manage it today without any spotting then I have lasted longer than the last two without any bleeding. So thats good….

Have my booking in appointment on Tuesday. Trying to take each day as it comes and not get too carried away. What ever happens the is a step in the right direction! I hope that it results in our rainbow baby which would be due in May!

Please cross your fingers and pray for me! xx


CD 13 – again

Good evening all, so I’m taking a different approach this month…Don’t think about it, work hard, head down and perhaps that will help. I am also making super fresh smoothies and salads for my hubby and I each day and taking Maca Powder and Bee Pollen. Why? ….well why not? I’m always up for trying something new!

I’m doing a lot more classes at the gym and have stopped trying to worry about my long as I’m fit and healthy that is all that matters…until next month when I’m fed up of being overweight! ha!

I’ll report back (in detail) about how my lack of ‘thinking about it’ is going this time next week when I’m well into the tww! oh JOY!!

Ding Dong the Witch is here…..

Well, I knew heart of hearts that this month was another failed attempt but that didn’t stop me getting my hopes up being four days late! Today was a pretty tough day. My work colleague brought her baby in..born the day after my due date (it was bang on time). I couldn’t deal with it at all, she must have thought me so rude as I couldn’t even go over to say hi! Felt like someone had punched me in the stomach (and the af cramps didn’t help!). Wasn’t expecting to feel like that, I thought I had got used to the fact that she was having a baby, I saw her growing every day at the same rate I ought to have grown, I heard her overjoyed at being pregnant to the others at work and even tried to join in. Just hearing that baby though….

Told the hubby and he took me out for steak to cheer me up. FFS world….table next to us, pregnant couple looking all happy and loved up…well at least I could have my steak rare! Take that world!! Ha!

As you may have guessed, I am feeling pretty sorry for myself right now! Tomorrow I will pick myself up, brush myself off and start all over again but for now I’m headed for that bottle of red wine and that pity party in my head!

Night all x

In limbo land 

Sorry for the radio silence, I was planning on writing when I had more to report but I’m getting more and more frustrated as my 2ww limbo has been extended a few days. 

This is my chart…af ought to have arrived three days ago on Sunday. Fertility friend didn’t identify an ovulation day for me this month…don’t really understand why..I would say it was around cd 15 as I had my positive opk result then. 

 I’ve had minimal spotting since Sunday and my temp is slowly going down so AF should be with me imminently right? Still doesn’t stop me wishing, dreaming and consulting the Google oracle! I would put my chances of bfp at 5%!

What is it about Facebook? I looked at it this morning and it is full of baby’s, pregnancy announcements and bumps! Thing is if it were me my photos would probably be there too! I find it really hard to look at these photos day in day out! Having a tough week this week and am in a bit of a low mood because of it all. 

Here Endeth today’s moan…hopefully I’ll  have more to report when I’m out of this limbo! 

Google the Oracle

So how many of you out there do the temping, the OPK’s, the symptom spotting?! Well this month I’ve started early. Just CD8 and my temp shot up above the coverline..what does that even mean? Well if you google it you will get many different answers..some telling you that you may even be pregnant…better get that test out..even though you have had a period this month, even though you know that there is absolutely no way that you could be..test anyway! Well this month I have not given in to the oracle google, I am starting to know my body well enough to think I know what is going on but still I find myself wanting answers.

I think that is one of the worst things about infertility…its the waiting game, its waiting each month for af to show, or not, its about not knowing whether its you or just really bad luck. I don’t think I am infertile and I know that I am lucky, I have managed to conceive twice and whilst they didn’t last I know (or at least I am pretty sure) that there is no medical reason why I won’t again and why next time I might go all the way. Still, month by month I find myself reaching for that search engine…what possible symptom might I have today and what can it tell me?

I think I know the answer and the answer is to listen to your body….not google. But simply  listening to my body does not allow me to obsess about all the possible medical conditions I may have, it doesn’t allow me to escape from the fact that my body took 6 months, the first time, 15 months the second time and going on 7 months and still going for the third time. And for what reason? There doesn’t have to be a reason but at least if there were a reason I would know what to expect, I would know how long I am supposed to be stuck in this limbo for..

So for now, and against my better instincts I will stick to google, I will obsess about the fact that my temp was up by 0.2 degrees centigrade.. because that is all I can do for now and that is how I cope. google.jpg

Feeling heavy….

I’ve lost 5 llbs in the last 7 weeks all in an attempt to fit in my dress for a  wedding next weekend, I tried it on today..and it doesn’t fit! Low and behold I look like a fat sausage struggling to stay inside its skin! Doh!

Thats another thing that I try to blame on the two miscarriages and one thing I was not expecting! Each time I got pregnant I put on 6 llbs, and that was 6 llbs that I could not shift! One of the reasons I couldn’t shift the weight is because I didn’t want to do anything that might mess around with my cycle and ability to conceive again. The last few weeks I have tried both calorie restricting and exercise. Feeling much better about myself although my acupuncturist said that I shouldn’t do exercises that involve jumping up and down….this does provide me with another excuse not to exercise but sod it..I’m going to stick it out for another couple of months…I am going to loose this weight. I desperately need something else to obsess about!

So I think the dress will have to stay in the wardrobe for next weekend but I will get there!

Cycle wise, my apps tell me that I am about to enter my fertile phase so lots of baby dancing (bd) starting this week…one thing that I can’t complain about!

Af is here…..

So…here we go again. This month however I didn’t even dare get my hopes up…I’m not sure why! It didn’t stop me doing a pregnancy test the day before I was due. I was rewarded by a negative result and my period making a show later that evening!

Today I attended my third appointment of acupuncture and received a call from my GP to confirm my latest blood test results had come back all clear. In fact, I actually had high levels of Progesterone, so that was good…?! Was it? Not really, I’m still not pregnant and its still been 7 months since the last miscarriage.

Bit of background for you….

I really really wanted children before I was 30…a life ambition if you like. My hubby wasn’t quite so sure so we agreed to wait, leaving a full year and a half before I turned 30…my arguments of…”what if it takes us a few years to conceive?” fell on deaf ears! In all honesty, I didn’t think it would take this long, I just wanted to get started sooner, I am impatient by nature (oh the irony!). I don’t have any grudges about when we started trying, don’t get me wrong. So the first time round where I still hadn’t conceived after 6 months I began to get anxious. Worried that something was wrong with me.

How relieved and ecstatic I was when I got that first Big Fat Positive, it was an amazing feeling! Two months down the line it was a different story. I had spotting at 6/7weeks which appeared to resolve itself and an early scan (private) revealed that the foetus was developing well. Three weeks later I had some more bleeding and a scan was scheduled only a few days before my allotted 12 week scan. The scan revealed that the foetus had died at 8 weeks, just after the first scan. The hospital couldn’t book me in for “surgical management of miscarriage” until the following week. Over the weekend, whilst building a pathway to distract myself (my husband and I were renovating) I had the miscarriage. I like to think that it will prepare me in some way for labour….it was very painful and I even had contractions! So I gave birth (for want of a better expression) in the toilet and got a bit scared by the bleeding, I still had some “retained product” so I still went through the procedure the following day.

Next one took 14 months to come along. I was overjoyed with the positive result but wouldn’t let myself accept it until I saw a healthy scan..something that closely resembled a baby would do…I’d had enough of small beating blobs! The second miscarriage wasn’t quite as painful as the first, same story…I had bleeding and then a precautionary scan which revealed a “healthy” pregnancy, news which brought tears of joy to mine and my other half’s face. A week later and a look of surprise on the sonographer’s face revealed that that one too had died around 8 weeks. I was scheduled in for the op the very next day.

So here I am now, 7 months on from that second miscarriage and twenty days away from what would have been my due date. Still not pregnant but still trying to stay positive. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Today started as a bad day..girl from my office is due the day after I was (I am one of only 5 women in my team two of whom got pregnant and were due this month…I know..right?). She was positively glowing this morning, its her last week and all I could think of was …”it was supposed to be my last week too”. I then had a vent to my hubby and felt better, its good to have people to talk to.

The acupuncturist was good this evening. I allowed myself to think only positive thoughts and pictured my belly full and round full of baby. I pictured holding my baby in my arms and passing it to my hubby. I didn’t leave the appointment sad but happy and hopeful. All I can keep telling myself is that I will get there some day. And I will, I will be a Mother.