Af is here…..

So…here we go again. This month however I didn’t even dare get my hopes up…I’m not sure why! It didn’t stop me doing a pregnancy test the day before I was due. I was rewarded by a negative result and my period making a show later that evening!

Today I attended my third appointment of acupuncture and received a call from my GP to confirm my latest blood test results had come back all clear. In fact, I actually had high levels of Progesterone, so that was good…?! Was it? Not really, I’m still not pregnant and its still been 7 months since the last miscarriage.

Bit of background for you….

I really really wanted children before I was 30…a life ambition if you like. My hubby wasn’t quite so sure so we agreed to wait, leaving a full year and a half before I turned 30…my arguments of…”what if it takes us a few years to conceive?” fell on deaf ears! In all honesty, I didn’t think it would take this long, I just wanted to get started sooner, I am impatient by nature (oh the irony!). I don’t have any grudges about when we started trying, don’t get me wrong. So the first time round where I still hadn’t conceived after 6 months I began to get anxious. Worried that something was wrong with me.

How relieved and ecstatic I was when I got that first Big Fat Positive, it was an amazing feeling! Two months down the line it was a different story. I had spotting at 6/7weeks which appeared to resolve itself and an early scan (private) revealed that the foetus was developing well. Three weeks later I had some more bleeding and a scan was scheduled only a few days before my allotted 12 week scan. The scan revealed that the foetus had died at 8 weeks, just after the first scan. The hospital couldn’t book me in for “surgical management of miscarriage” until the following week. Over the weekend, whilst building a pathway to distract myself (my husband and I were renovating) I had the miscarriage. I like to think that it will prepare me in some way for labour….it was very painful and I even had contractions! So I gave birth (for want of a better expression) in the toilet and got a bit scared by the bleeding, I still had some “retained product” so I still went through the procedure the following day.

Next one took 14 months to come along. I was overjoyed with the positive result but wouldn’t let myself accept it until I saw a healthy scan..something that closely resembled a baby would do…I’d had enough of small beating blobs! The second miscarriage wasn’t quite as painful as the first, same story…I had bleeding and then a precautionary scan which revealed a “healthy” pregnancy, news which brought tears of joy to mine and my other half’s face. A week later and a look of surprise on the sonographer’s face revealed that that one too had died around 8 weeks. I was scheduled in for the op the very next day.

So here I am now, 7 months on from that second miscarriage and twenty days away from what would have been my due date. Still not pregnant but still trying to stay positive. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Today started as a bad day..girl from my office is due the day after I was (I am one of only 5 women in my team two of whom got pregnant and were due this month…I know..right?). She was positively glowing this morning, its her last week and all I could think of was …”it was supposed to be my last week too”. I then had a vent to my hubby and felt better, its good to have people to talk to.

The acupuncturist was good this evening. I allowed myself to think only positive thoughts and pictured my belly full and round full of baby. I pictured holding my baby in my arms and passing it to my hubby. I didn’t leave the appointment sad but happy and hopeful. All I can keep telling myself is that I will get there some day. And I will, I will be a Mother.

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6 thoughts on “Af is here…..

  1. I’m going to be 30 @ end of the yr. I’ve been struggling w/ a disease called endometriosis. It’s a reproductive disease of the female organs & can be found on other organs of the body.

    I had this since I was 12. I suffered all those yrs saw 7 drs about it believing the drs that its just a normal period pain & is all in my head. Finally enough was enough I forced my last dr to send me to a specialist & I was diagnosed via lap last yr.

    Bc of this I now have a right blocked tube, endo on my bladder, ovarian fossa, & the ligaments that hold your uterus in place. They also said having surgery could improve fertility. They removed all lesions. But theirs no cure & it’ll possibly grow bk in same spots or new areas. After having a baby pain management or hysterectomy is it.

    we tried for 6 mo. After surgery never got pregnant. I was never able to get pregnant when I was younger & I never knew I had fertility issues until hubby & I actively started trying. All that time we were like whatever happens happens.

    I was refered to fert. Specialist they were reluctant to send me bc during all that time we only actively tried for 6 mo. & were more relaxed the others. They said that didnt count. I demanded I see a specialist bc of endo & how before being on bc for yrs i never got preg. plus after stopping bc I couldn’t get preg.

    I found out my bloodwork they did the first 2 mo. Indicated I was going through premenopause at 29 which exp. Why my periods were shorter & lighter. I dont have a reg. Cycle anyways but My reg gyno said it was just something new for your period & @ my age its normal if it changes.

    i’m not ovulating as well & my ovarian reserve is terrible for someone my age. I was basically told my ovarian reserve is like a woman in her late 40’s & my reserve was diminishing. They said really fert. Woman are a 4 or 5 they were hoping I’d be a 1 or 2 but mine was 0.45 which indicated ovarian reserve for a 49 yr old woman. From what i heard every drs office diff. As far as labs go bc of diff. Machines they use or something idk.

    They checked hubby out he was fine. I dont know how much of that was from the endo, infertility issue, or surgery when they removed the lesions from ovarian fossa or a combo.

    They said they didn’t know how much time I have left to get preg. bc they didnt know how far along I am in premenopause. they said we needed to be really aggressive & stimulate your overies w/ fert. Drugs. So for 3 cycles I was put on femara day 3 through 7 of my cycle, then I’d take ovidrel shot to induce ovulation 3 days before my IUI. They also do overy checks to make sure your not overly stimulated & do ultrasounds to see how follicles matured etc. Before going through with IUI. That’s done after taking the drugs though.

    First 2 IUI’s failed in march & april this yr. When they called w/ my progesterone level in may it was 15.4 which isn’t good for a med. Cycle they want it to be 15.5 or higher. They prefer the higher numbers & told me I’m borderline & I have a risk of miscarriage. They never told me how high or low of a risk. They were putting me on progesterone 200 mg. Vaginally 3x a day. They said that will help prevent miscarriage so I took it that night starting the 2nd wk after IUI was done.

    The 3rd in may took IUI was done may 11th. They gave me a due date of feb 1st 2017. @ that apt they said I was 6 weeks already. Hubby & I were thrilled over the moon. He even was looking up ideas online for the nursery, he talked & kissed & rubbed my belly. He kept telling me all this preg. Stuff I already knew but I let him go on bc he was very involved in knowing more & excited. It was sweet.

    Then all hell broke loose. Went to 1st ultrasound he was able to get off wrk & go w/ me. We were told by ultrasound tech that the yolk sac was abnormally shaped, we saw & heard a heartbeat but I don’t remember what they said about it I was too excited watching the heart flicker on the screen & hearing the beating of its heart. They also said they were measuring smaller than they were supposed to for its gestational age.

    She left got dr to come in & we were basically told sorry theirs nothing we can medically do for you, theirs nothing you can do, the sacs not normal, your babies smaller than its supposed to be & all you can do @ this point is pray its either going to go one way or the other. I was heartbroken, angry etc.

    Couldn’t believe what I heard & kept balling my hubbys holding me drs holding me saying sorry sweetie. Then telling me that it happend to her but then she tried again & was lucky enough to keep her 2nd child. That was not what I wanted to hear @ that moment. She said I want to see you back in another week for another ultrasound.

    I decided the nxt day that I was going to keep being happy about my lil bean & keep thinking pos thoughts & I’m not much for praying etc. its been a while but I prayed & prayed from that point on. I also called my reg gyno office. the nurse said ultrasounds aren’t always correct sometimes some babys are just smaller than their supposed to be & turn out perfectly fine. Sometimes the drs dont get the due date right etc.

    I even looked online & so many woman w/ the same issues as my baby & theirs turned out fine only saw a couple posts that said otherwise. That helped calm me down by that afternoon It was outta site outta mind & I started being more happy & pos letting myself believe their mistaken they don’t know what their doing etc.

    by my nxt apt a week later I didn’t want to go alone I was scared & hubby couldn’t miss wrk again so my mom went w/ me. @ this point i still had hope & faith still was happy I was going to have a baby. But i was in denile i guess i didnt want to believe what i was told.

    This time ultrasound tech said the sac is still abnormal baby started to grow but not much barely grew if anything & this time they didnt see or hear a heartbeat.

    That was more tramatic for me than the 1st apt bc 1st apt I saw baby move & heart flicker this time no moving baby no beat. I was almost 8 1/2 weeks then. I was tech 8 weeks 2 days baby was measuring 6 1/2 wks. I started crying screaming for the rooftops my mom grabbing me holding me tight. That was the worst day of our life.

    I called hubby @ wrk after apt to tell him bc he said he wanted to know after apt. I told him I was sobbing he dropped everything @ wrk told them he had to leave & came home to be w/ me. I could tell how hurt he was & he was concerned about my emotinal state bc he said he drove 120 on the highway & took a 32 min car ride from wrk to home into 10 min. Which I was pissed about luckily he was fine.

    Drs didnt tell me what kind of miscarriage I had I figured it out myself reading paperwork. The medical term for it which I hate was called a missed abortion even though its not an abortion in the way we know it today. & its not an abortion @ all so i dont know why thats the medical name for it but it is. Its also called a missed miscarriage or a silent miscarriage.

    What happens is for some unknown reason but mostly due to cromosomal abnormalities the baby passes away. unlike a reg. Miscarriage where you are bleeding etc. & most woman know their miscarrying, for these woman their bodys dont recognize the miscarriage.

    your cervix is still closed & the products of conception dont expel fron your body like a miscarriage so you still feel preg symptoms though some woman they kind of come & go like mine did. Hense why its also termed silent miscarriage bc you wouldn’t have otherwise known unless your dr diagnoses it. So sometime within that week I lost my baby.

    He gave me 3 options either take a pill to as he put it get rid of the products of conception in 24 hrs have a d&c done or let it happen naturally. They said its my choice theirs no right or wrong option to choose from its just personal preference & to take my time deciding. But to know that miscarrying naturally could take weeks.

    I decided the d&c was for me & I was torn in my discission. I talked to some grls @ wrk who went through it took from their exp. Like my dr said you need to pick whats right for you there is no right or wrong ans. In deciding bet. Your options.

    Every woman is diff. Every preg is diff. All of us woman who lost a child wether its due to miscarriage, cancer etc. It still hurts like hell its still hard to deal with all of our pain still matters & every woman needs to feel like she’s important no matter what her story is & that her baby or child is & was important too.

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    • Thanks for your story Lauren, I was really sad to read it! Are you able to try again? When I had my miscarriages I just wanted to get back on and start trying again, I don’t think that leaves you with much time to recover, most health providers will tell you to wait a few months. It’s really hard to know when you will be mentally ready.
      Sending baby dust to you, I hope that it will happen for you and I hope next time it sticks! x

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  2. I have suffered two miscarriages in a year – one last September and one this month. The first one at six weeks was over within two days and whilst emotionally painful it wasn’t as physically painful as the second. My second miscarriage was a long dragged out affair. I had light spotting and went for an early scan on the Tuesday, the embryo measured 6 weeks + 4 with a healthy heartbeat. I was told not to worry and to go home and rest. Spotting being usual in some women’s pregnancy. The light bleeding continued but the backache and stomach cramps got worse. Fast forward to the middle of Sunday night and I was in agony. At 7 weeks I miscarried again. Now I’m scared there’s something wrong with me. I really want to try again for a baby but not to suffer another painful loss.

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    • Hi George, Thanks for your story. I know how you feel and I have been there, I would like to say there is light at the end of the tunnel and there probably is. Unfortunately what we have been through is not an unusual occurrence, there is no known explanation for these things and this does make it difficult to accept. You have to keep positive though, it will happen for you again, fingers crossed text time it sticks! Lets think positive thoughts together 🙂

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  3. Is there any way you can perhaps email me ? I found out yesterday at my 12 weeks scan my baby had died 2 weeks ago after we also had a 7 week reassurance scan that confirmed a healthy heartbeat. We also suffered a miscarriage in jan as well so it’s 2 in a row so far. It would be nice to chat to you as I feel I don’t have anyone to talk to no one I know has ever had this happen to them

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    • Hi Abbie, I’m really sorry to hear about your news! It is absolutely devastating and totally sucky! Please do feel free to drop me an email if you want to chat (tryingtoconceiveagain@gmail.com). Your story sounds too familiar and it is just horrible. There isn’t really anything anyone can say to make you feel better. I hope that it can help to know that you are not alone in this….there are far too many of us in the same boat! I am sorry it took me a while to respond and I hope this week has gone as well as can be expected with no complications. Happy to listen if you need to chat! xx

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