So…here we go again. This month however I didn’t even dare get my hopes up…I’m not sure why! It didn’t stop me doing a pregnancy test the day before I was due. I was rewarded by a negative result and my period making a show later that evening!
Today I attended my third appointment of acupuncture and received a call from my GP to confirm my latest blood test results had come back all clear. In fact, I actually had high levels of Progesterone, so that was good…?! Was it? Not really, I’m still not pregnant and its still been 7 months since the last miscarriage.
Bit of background for you….
I really really wanted children before I was 30…a life ambition if you like. My hubby wasn’t quite so sure so we agreed to wait, leaving a full year and a half before I turned 30…my arguments of…”what if it takes us a few years to conceive?” fell on deaf ears! In all honesty, I didn’t think it would take this long, I just wanted to get started sooner, I am impatient by nature (oh the irony!). I don’t have any grudges about when we started trying, don’t get me wrong. So the first time round where I still hadn’t conceived after 6 months I began to get anxious. Worried that something was wrong with me.
How relieved and ecstatic I was when I got that first Big Fat Positive, it was an amazing feeling! Two months down the line it was a different story. I had spotting at 6/7weeks which appeared to resolve itself and an early scan (private) revealed that the foetus was developing well. Three weeks later I had some more bleeding and a scan was scheduled only a few days before my allotted 12 week scan. The scan revealed that the foetus had died at 8 weeks, just after the first scan. The hospital couldn’t book me in for “surgical management of miscarriage” until the following week. Over the weekend, whilst building a pathway to distract myself (my husband and I were renovating) I had the miscarriage. I like to think that it will prepare me in some way for labour….it was very painful and I even had contractions! So I gave birth (for want of a better expression) in the toilet and got a bit scared by the bleeding, I still had some “retained product” so I still went through the procedure the following day.
Next one took 14 months to come along. I was overjoyed with the positive result but wouldn’t let myself accept it until I saw a healthy scan..something that closely resembled a baby would do…I’d had enough of small beating blobs! The second miscarriage wasn’t quite as painful as the first, same story…I had bleeding and then a precautionary scan which revealed a “healthy” pregnancy, news which brought tears of joy to mine and my other half’s face. A week later and a look of surprise on the sonographer’s face revealed that that one too had died around 8 weeks. I was scheduled in for the op the very next day.
So here I am now, 7 months on from that second miscarriage and twenty days away from what would have been my due date. Still not pregnant but still trying to stay positive. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Today started as a bad day..girl from my office is due the day after I was (I am one of only 5 women in my team two of whom got pregnant and were due this month…I know..right?). She was positively glowing this morning, its her last week and all I could think of was …”it was supposed to be my last week too”. I then had a vent to my hubby and felt better, its good to have people to talk to.
The acupuncturist was good this evening. I allowed myself to think only positive thoughts and pictured my belly full and round full of baby. I pictured holding my baby in my arms and passing it to my hubby. I didn’t leave the appointment sad but happy and hopeful. All I can keep telling myself is that I will get there some day. And I will, I will be a Mother.