BFP (for now!)

Hi all, sorry for the radio silence! The best happened last month (so it turned out not thinking about it helped). I have my BFP and am now 7 weeks +3 days. So far so good, touch wood.

Symptoms wise I’ve not had a lot which is causing me concern as this is not much different to what happened the last times! If I manage it today without any spotting then I have lasted longer than the last two without any bleeding. So thats good….

Have my booking in appointment on Tuesday. Trying to take each day as it comes and not get too carried away. What ever happens the is a step in the right direction! I hope that it results in our rainbow baby which would be due in May!

Please cross your fingers and pray for me! xx


CD 13 – again

Good evening all, so I’m taking a different approach this month…Don’t think about it, work hard, head down and perhaps that will help. I am also making super fresh smoothies and salads for my hubby and I each day and taking Maca Powder and Bee Pollen. Why? ….well why not? I’m always up for trying something new!

I’m doing a lot more classes at the gym and have stopped trying to worry about my long as I’m fit and healthy that is all that matters…until next month when I’m fed up of being overweight! ha!

I’ll report back (in detail) about how my lack of ‘thinking about it’ is going this time next week when I’m well into the tww! oh JOY!!

Ding Dong the Witch is here…..

Well, I knew heart of hearts that this month was another failed attempt but that didn’t stop me getting my hopes up being four days late! Today was a pretty tough day. My work colleague brought her baby in..born the day after my due date (it was bang on time). I couldn’t deal with it at all, she must have thought me so rude as I couldn’t even go over to say hi! Felt like someone had punched me in the stomach (and the af cramps didn’t help!). Wasn’t expecting to feel like that, I thought I had got used to the fact that she was having a baby, I saw her growing every day at the same rate I ought to have grown, I heard her overjoyed at being pregnant to the others at work and even tried to join in. Just hearing that baby though….

Told the hubby and he took me out for steak to cheer me up. FFS world….table next to us, pregnant couple looking all happy and loved up…well at least I could have my steak rare! Take that world!! Ha!

As you may have guessed, I am feeling pretty sorry for myself right now! Tomorrow I will pick myself up, brush myself off and start all over again but for now I’m headed for that bottle of red wine and that pity party in my head!

Night all x

In limbo land 

Sorry for the radio silence, I was planning on writing when I had more to report but I’m getting more and more frustrated as my 2ww limbo has been extended a few days. 

This is my chart…af ought to have arrived three days ago on Sunday. Fertility friend didn’t identify an ovulation day for me this month…don’t really understand why..I would say it was around cd 15 as I had my positive opk result then. 

 I’ve had minimal spotting since Sunday and my temp is slowly going down so AF should be with me imminently right? Still doesn’t stop me wishing, dreaming and consulting the Google oracle! I would put my chances of bfp at 5%!

What is it about Facebook? I looked at it this morning and it is full of baby’s, pregnancy announcements and bumps! Thing is if it were me my photos would probably be there too! I find it really hard to look at these photos day in day out! Having a tough week this week and am in a bit of a low mood because of it all. 

Here Endeth today’s moan…hopefully I’ll  have more to report when I’m out of this limbo! 

Happy Birthday

Yesterday was my last pregnancy’s predicted due date….Instead of suffering the absolute agony of childbirth I have been spending time with the family. Every cloud and all that…

-If my last two pregnancies had been viable I would have a 16 month baby and a newborn by now..That’s pretty crazy isn’t it?! Can’t stop thinking about that today-

Much as I love my family however, I think I would have still preferred the agony of Childbirth…going through my final weeks of pregnancy during a heatwave..moaning about how hot it was and making memories. I wanted that to be me so badly. Instead I find myself symptom watching as I reach the middle of the two week wait.

This month I have the delights of heartburn, indigestion and constipation as well as fatigue. I am not stupid, I’m only around 7dpo and so any ‘symptoms’ I have are much more likely to be part of the usual hormones present at this time in my cycle…still as you know I am a huge fan of google.

Google tells me that there is a strong chance I might be pregnant this month..I don’t normally get heartburn and apparently lots of people have experienced it this early in their cycle and have gone on to gain that BFP.

I’ll break down all my symptoms (if you are interested) this time next week…probably with the outcome of the pregnancy test that I’ll have taken too early! Doh!

I am currently being distracted by my two kittens who are jumping around the computer screen and are nuzzling me whilst I type. The kittens are not really kittens any more they are 11 months old and I am 100% guilty of loving them way too much! I am slightly concerned I have humanised them a little too much but hey ho…I’m not that concerned…I’ve got a lot of love to give! May as well give it to something! :-p

Im going to sign off for this evening and will most likely watch a soppy movie with my other half to distract me from the date! Night all! xx

And the journey continues…

I am now at CD19 with about 10 days until af is due to show her ugly face!

I went to my friends wedding at the weekend and allowed myself to just get smashed! Ridiculous and I was quite annoyed with myself the next day as I had been really good at cutting down on the old booze recently. I got annoyed that I still haven’t been able to shift that baby weight with nothing to show for it but painful memories and I just thought…sod it!

Agh! I am literally an idiot! Sometimes I just wish I could just get over it. I don’t think I ever will but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing I guess! Although it would be far better not to have anything to get over!

I had acupuncture on Monday, actually a little painful this week with pressure points in my arm and foot….apparently good for both fertility once you have ovulated and your lungs (I have asthma). Well my asthma doesn’t seem as bad since so one can only hope for the fertility!

Chart wise, my temps are all over the place this month. I had a positive OPK on Sunday (hooray) and then my temp is yet to increase…no idea what that is all about!

Anyone else out there in the same boat? CD19…a few days into the two week wait and the madness of symptom spotting about to commence! Here we go!

Google the Oracle

So how many of you out there do the temping, the OPK’s, the symptom spotting?! Well this month I’ve started early. Just CD8 and my temp shot up above the coverline..what does that even mean? Well if you google it you will get many different answers..some telling you that you may even be pregnant…better get that test out..even though you have had a period this month, even though you know that there is absolutely no way that you could be..test anyway! Well this month I have not given in to the oracle google, I am starting to know my body well enough to think I know what is going on but still I find myself wanting answers.

I think that is one of the worst things about infertility…its the waiting game, its waiting each month for af to show, or not, its about not knowing whether its you or just really bad luck. I don’t think I am infertile and I know that I am lucky, I have managed to conceive twice and whilst they didn’t last I know (or at least I am pretty sure) that there is no medical reason why I won’t again and why next time I might go all the way. Still, month by month I find myself reaching for that search engine…what possible symptom might I have today and what can it tell me?

I think I know the answer and the answer is to listen to your body….not google. But simply  listening to my body does not allow me to obsess about all the possible medical conditions I may have, it doesn’t allow me to escape from the fact that my body took 6 months, the first time, 15 months the second time and going on 7 months and still going for the third time. And for what reason? There doesn’t have to be a reason but at least if there were a reason I would know what to expect, I would know how long I am supposed to be stuck in this limbo for..

So for now, and against my better instincts I will stick to google, I will obsess about the fact that my temp was up by 0.2 degrees centigrade.. because that is all I can do for now and that is how I cope. google.jpg